Well my sleep deprived state and finally honestly speaking with another human being, my friend from college now a therapist, culminated in a rather long-winded meltdown about the rest of my life. I came to the conclusion that I hate my dissertation. I thought I could do it. I couldn't find a committee to mentor me with my original topic after the professor who backed me the most took a position at another university. I'm interested in my topic, but after all the life under the bridge I'm pretty tired of it. I fantasize about writing my original dissertation topic instead-- I even write a bit of it thinking maybe I'll publish it? Maybe Griel Marcus would like it? HA!
Aside from that, and the real crux of the biscuit is that I'm not happy being unfinished girl/woman. I am afraid of what comes next. I don't feel like I fit into the academia mode very well and although I loved teaching, the career is pretty unwieldy for someone like me. I think I'd really prefer to leave work at work... but enough.
"Life... is a wake, livit or krikit, and on the bunk of our breadwinning lies the cropse of our seedfather" (Joyce FW 55.05).
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