So today I'm trying hard to stay motivated. I'm not one to really complain, but I am hating the chapter I'm working on so very much. I think the biggest difficulty is trying to make all of the completely random and tangential previously existing criticism on these first obscure works, which I have to consult and mention, that is making it so tough. I can't get the argument to flow.
When I signed up for this blog it was 2009. I wrote nothing... later, I was newly divorced and my life was in a bit of a random and unexpected turmoil; hence why I'm a Vampire/Peter Pan-woman working on her Ph.D. dissertation. I gave up my condo in Colorado to travel back and forth between from Fort Worth, where my mother lives, and Colorado with much frequency. In fact lately, I only get out on road trips. My brother died in 2006 and he always looked after her. I kind of felt like I needed some looking after myself so I decided to save my savings and focus on writing. I do pick up the random odd job now and then and sometimes it makes me think I'd rather be one of the mindless followers-- have a job that is a job. Leave it when I walk out the door and take off my uniform. Although while teaching at a major university I felt like I could do that a bit-- one is still always grading and always required to respond to students via email-- I thought it would benefit me to have a retreat from the responsibility of having one dedicated living space for storage and a computer-- I can't say that it has.
At an age when I thought I would still be secure in my relationship, on some occasions, I find myself biologically encouraged to venture into the dating world. The only thing I haven't tried is speed dating. I am in my early forties. I may not be the biggest most beautiful prize to single men everywhere, but can someone my age be honest and find someone who isn't revoltingly haggard for their age? I mean I believe I AM THE BEST PRIZE, I just want my prize, too. I've been asked out on dates by men in grocery stores, bars, at street lights, etc. When I go out, I am frequently approached by twenty-somethings that think I'm 30 (and although that's very flattering and exciting and all, and maybe I just haven't met the right "cub" *leacherous hehheh* I can't get passed the fact I could have given birth to them. NOTE TO SELF this may be a good blog topic one day-- the double standard and biological fact that most women feel weirder about a parental age gap between lovers than men do. The majority of men seem to be fine with hitting anything that's legal, and they're biologically wired that way, no?), married men and sugar daddies (jokes are on them, they always think I'm younger than they are, but usually I'm older than they are.) I met one well-preserved 49 year-old man, successful and very attractive. But no one I meet or date wants to take the time to get to know ME. I've been discarded and proposed to before that really happens, and I'm thinking a relationship is not in my future... ever.
One problem is that I'm really shy. I also have some anxiety issues. Until I've known someone for about 3 months I can't be who I am. But you know, the biggest thing is I am not who I am. I am stuck in this time crunch of dissertation hell and I won't be who I am until I'm finished.
Another thing that distracts me from writing is when I think about what I'd rather do than teach after I've completed these last two hoops in the dissertation process. But I'm going to try and use this blog to rant at and write through the things that bother me. If you read, feel free to share you own!
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